Okay so i’m getting rid of all my binge food. The perishables I could have just thrown out but I just ate a ton of Passion Flakies. Shit why did I do that? Oh well…. ANYWAY tonight will be my last purge though seeing how things have been going with purging I’m not sure how successful it will be but c’est la vie. I have to make a promise to myself and my body that I can and will be better. Not perfect, but better. Starting tomorrow I’m gonna continue to hit the gym but eat as healthy as Uni cafeterias will allow. Good luck to me.
I have completely lost who I am as a person. All of my values, are gone. when I first started to lose weight I was so proud that I wasn’t another one of “those” girls counting calories, skipping meals, or completely obsessed with exercising. Sure I was on WeightWatchers with my mom so I was counting how many points I ate every day but it was a healthy, moderated amount. I was so proud of myself for losing weight in a healthy, positive environment but now it has all gone to shit.
I can’t even remember the first time I purged. It was probably around June 2012. I had been so good, still counting my points and exercising regularly but I did overdo it during dinnertime once and I flipped. I was so scared of gaining all the weight back and I thought, “Okay, I’ll just try to do it once and see how it goes then NO MORE because I know it isn’t healthy.” I’ve been binging and purging ever since. It began in slow increments of 90% healthy 10% binge/purge and I wouldn’t even do it every day but it’s come to a point where I don’t remember the last healthy meal I ate without trying to or thinking about bringing it back up. I have been purging at least once a day for the past few weeks. The past couple days have been absolute shit where I haven’t been able to bring hardly anything back up so I feel absolutely worthless and disgusting after. Like right now. I have no idea where I lost myself. I’m just so scared of gaining all of the weight back.
My New Year’s resolution was to stop binging and purging and I was so excited to get back to where I used to be and I hate to say it but I’m starting to think that this problem has gotten a stronger hold on me than I realize. Nobody knows about this issue, not even my best friend. I’m so ashamed and guilty. In my group of girl friends, I’ve had to deal with so many mental and/or self-esteem obstacles in the past couple of years and I thought I had avoided this seemingly common crisis amongst young girls. I guess I spoke too soon. I don’t even know what to do. I can’t tell anyone though, I just can’t. I want to stop so badly and just be healthy like I used to be. I just don’t know how.
It may seem crazy to say but I think I was happier when I was almost 150lbs, had bigger thighs, arms, boobs and squeezed into size 7/8 jeans. I still exercised but I ate whatever I wanted in complete bliss but now I can’t put anything into my mouth without thinking about its nutritional contents or how it will affect my body. This is a sick disease I have going on in my brain right now.
I just want someone who would never judge, criticize, or leave me to be here right now holding me and telling me I’m going to be alright. I don’t know what I’ve become but all I know is that I fucking hate it.